JEFF THORBURN PORTFOLIO
Make a few moves in your adult life and you’ll inevitably end up with friends and family all over the place. Such...
You know how every spot sucks, and how you never have enough time to film a full part? Well Keiran doesn’t. He produces footage like a conveyor belt and will skate every single spot no matter how crusty, shitty, or non-existent it is. You can take him to fucking a gravel road and he’ll manage to film a sick line and a couple hammers. I can say without question that Keiran is definitely more motivated to go out and get tricks than anyone else in Winnipeg today. Though he has to be if he’s going to keep up that 2.5 GPA (gnarly parts annually) he’s been maintaining the last couple years. He has a filthy moustache and a clean style. He’s got great trick selection and stomps them like a boss! There’s a reason he’s called Keiran Zimmerman and not Keiran Zimmerboy.—Tyler Geurts
Unfortunately, the bus driver checked the mirror seven minutes late, and missed Keiran’s Switch Crooked Grind behind the soon-to-be-restless riders. Geurts
Zimmerman. Are you Jewish?
Classic question. No, I’m not.
You know Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman. Who do you think is the more successful Zimmerman: Keiran or Robert?
Is it really? I had no idea, that’s pretty sweet. I’m gonna have to go with Robert, he wins.
Well I don’t know, that’s a tough call. I mean, to my knowledge he’s never had an interview in this magazine. So you’ve got that on him.
Yeah, true! That’s a point for me at least.
Let’s call it a tie. So since this interview is going down via text message, I have to ask, are you on the toilet right now?
No, should I be? I’m actually just shaving my dome piece right now.
Well I can’t tell you when you should or shouldn’t take a dump. I mean, you’ve kinda just gotta go with your gut on that one. You knew we were doing this interview, why’d you start shaving your head in the middle of it?
I’m a fast shaver, got it down to a science. Five minutes and it’s nice and uneven, perfect!
Yeah, but for like four years you seem to have missed a spot on your lip.
Yeah, it’s gotten to a point now that I’ve a moustache way too long, but I can’t get rid of it, it’s grown on me.
And I thought my “go with your gut” poo joke was gonna be the best one. Not bad, Keiran.
You were asking for it on that one, I had to.
What’s up with the moustache haters out there in the streets?
So we were skating a gap at this construction site and the dudes working were actually super sick and moved a little scissor lift out of the way of the gap for us. A bit of time goes by and some superhero electrician comes outside and starts losing it on Julian (Kelly), but I couldn’t see ‘cause I was at the run-up for the gap. He comes around the corner and starts going off on me. I told him to fuck off, and then instantly, like with no hesitation, he says, “Fuck you and your f—-t porno moustache.” Julian filmed it and the clip is golden, it’s so damn funny.
With his ever-present toque covering his freshly shaved dome piece, Keiran catches a Hardflip down what he probably considers one of the sickest spots ever. Fidlin
Wow. Called out. Did you get the trick or were you too shook after the altercation?
I actually went back that night and got it!
So it’s probably safe to say that your night was a lot better than the night of domestic abuse that dude’s wife surely endured?
Yeah, that dude for sure has a terrible life. He hates himself.
Yeah, but not quite as much as he hates you and your moustache by the sounds of it. Hey what the hell, I just saw you texting in our group chat? You should be focused exclusively on this interview! Are you texting with your girlfriend right now too?
Of course! I’m multi-tasking life right now.
Speaking of your girlfriend, she started following me on Insta yesterday. Jealous?
Ah damn, I knew it was just a matter of time. Of course I’m jealous, you look like Jared Leto! We actually went and saw the new Blade Runner recently, and she was saying how much you look like him the whole time.
Yeah, it was all fine when people used to tell me that until I found out how much of a sexual deviant Jared Leto is. You know he has a thing for boning underage girls! Anyways, this isn’t the Tyler Geurts interview, so let’s get down to brass tacks! Why do people call you Stork?
Wow, I didn’t know that! Bummer on that guy. So I live with Jared Arnason and Mitch Hancharek, and we do a decent amount of video gaming. I was killing it playing Call of Duty one day and Jared came home and said, “Oh, stacking corpses, hey?” Sometimes I can’t really talk all that well (at all) and I tried to agree with him and just shit out my mouth and yelled, “STORK.”
Since this is a skateboarding magazine this will now be the “skateboarding” section of the interview. How many decks can you Ollie?
Stacked or interlocked?
I’m gonna say interlocked, since it is the industry standard.
Oh, then like 15?
Keiran, if you’re not gonna take this seriously, how can you expect your fans who are reading this to?
OK, I have no idea. Maybe like four?
You know your sponsors are probably gonna read this, right? I’ll change it to six later when I edit this. What’s the sickest trick you’ve ever witnessed go down?
Shit, now I’m gonna have to see how many I actually can Ollie; I’m curious. Oh god, I’ve seen some pretty fucking sick tricks. It’s hard to say just one.
Well you have to. And no skatepark bullshit. STREETS!
Maybe Jaret [Anderson]’s Noseblunt Slide on the parkade rail? Definitely one of my favourites! He handled that shit. Man, but then I think of so much other sick shit. Everyone’s so good.
Unfazed by a mix of homophobia and pornophobia, Keiran prepares to lay the smack down on a Backside Flip. Geurts
Nah, most people are pretty whatever. So have you ever actually called a spot “shitty?” We’ll post photos of some seriously god awful pile of shit “spots” in our group chats, mostly as a joke, and you’ll always be like “SICK! That looks so fun, where is that?!” Why can’t you just be a jaded old asshole like the rest of us?
[Laughs] I definitely think some spots suck, but especially in Winnipeg I get stoked on new shit! Whether it’s a pile of garbage or not—new shit is always fun!
I could show you an actual pile of garbage and you’d get stoked like, “Whoa, has anyone backside flipped it yet?” Although there does seem to have been a shift very recently in that sunny disposition of yours. When we used to go skating, you were always cool as a cucumber, but it seems like lately you’ve been stressing so hard while skating? What gives?
Yeah, it’s been a weird couple months for my brain as far as skating goes. I don’t know what was up with me, but I was stressing before we even got to spots for absolutely no reason. It’s super stupid. I’m not even sure what was going on with me, but I kinda reminded myself the other day that skateboarding is fun and that’s why I do it, so I’m trying to get back to how I usually am and actually have fun skating cause that’s why we do it, right?
Well, I thought we did it for free stuff, Instagram followers, and chicks? But I guess for fun is a good reason, too. So you’re saying the next time we go out to shoot a photo you’re not gonna stress?
Fuck, I can’t make any promises, but I’m really gonna try. Skateboarding definitely can get frustrating, but I just have a temper, I guess.
OK, let’s say next sesh if you stress to an unreasonable level, you owe me a beer.
That sounds fair to me!
Why does Will Cristofaro just call you on the phone to talk? What do you guys talk about?
Dude, Will is the shit.
Yeah, I agree Will is dope, but that doesn’t really answer my question.
I met him for the first time when he came through Winnipeg this summer and he was super rad. Then, when I went to Montreal a couple months ago with all the dawgs, he was just so awesome and took us to super sweet shit. But yeah, he has called me a couple times since we left Montreal and we just talk, and it’s cool cause how many people just call you and talk about what’s going on in their life? You’re the best, Will!
You really think he’s gonna read this? I mean, I’m conducting this interview and I’m barely reading it. I’m honestly just skimming it mostly.
Fuck I have been skimming it too. I’m a boring dude.
Everyone you live with is sick at skating. Who is the sickest though: you, Mitch, or Jared? There’s no wrong answer. There is however a right answer.
Man, Jared and Mitch are both psychos but in the complete opposite way. I’ve never seen someone skate a rail like Jared can. Also never seen anyone bonk their board into shit the coolest ways and land everything like how Mitch does.
Do you think it’s a rite of passage for skateboarders to work at bars?
It seems that way. I actually just trained another skater last night at work! Cliff’s first shift.
While we only know that he can Ollie somewhere between four and 15 decks interlocked, we can be certain that Keiran is capable of Wallride Nollie’ing down at least eight stairs. Fidlin
How often do drunken teens who kinda used to skate come up to you when you’re working at the club and tell you how sick you are at skating?
Fuck, almost every night! It’s hilarious. They come out of nowhere. Or another classic is, “Hey, your kzims right? I follow you on Insta.”
And they’re all “gonna start skating again, man.”
“Fuck bro, I should get a board again!”
Classic bros. How often do they try to fight you though?
Just this one recently. I bumped him with a bus bin and he ended up sending me a message on Insta like two days later just saying “fckn fag” and so that means he was thinking about that for almost an entire weekend before he gathered the courage to message me? So I just said “tru” and he never messaged me back.
You really seem to bring out the homophobia in people. So this is the most important question, who do you like shooting photos with the most: Sam Fidlin, James Morley, or me? And keep in mind you are under oath.
Oh dude, what! Everyone is the shit and all so fun to shoot with. Also, Ty James is another awesome dude to shoot with. But you can’t make me pick one, I mean c’mon!
You have to! But either way, I’m just gonna edit this later so it looks like you said me. But if you really don’t want to say your favourite to shoot with, how about same dudes, marry/fuck/kill. Go!
Well I’d have to go with you since I’ve known you forever.
Me to what? Marry? ‘Cause I’m a preeeetty good lay.
Alright, you get the fuck spot then. I’d marry James though. And kill… Shit, can I choose you twice?
You’re like a praying mantis, fuck me then cut my head off. But I get it, do what you have to do. And James is definitely marriage material. He’s the one you can bring home to mom. Alright, you wanna wrap this shit up or what?
James “White Lightning” Morley! And yeah let’s finish ‘er up.
Stork takes a break from stacking corpses, and instead takes a Backside Tailslide down a fat stack. Fidlin
OK, last question: What’s sicker, a Chalm-air or a Sheckl-air?
I’ve never heard of a Chalm-air, so I’m gonna go with the Shecks.
Trick question ‘cause I think they’re both just a big Kickflip Indy. Though the Chalm-air might have to be a fly out over a tipped-up couch? Alright, anything else you wanna get in here? Wanna call some fools out? Put ‘em “on blast” as the kids say? Come on, let’s talk some shit, stir the pot, name names!
I got nothing to call people out for. Except that dude that talked shit on my porno moustache. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.
Yeah, ‘cause he’s definitely reading this. Well thanks for your time, Keiran. May you follow your dreams to the moon and beyond!
Thanks for the questions, Ty! Also just wanna say thank you to Wherry and Mikey at Supra, Tyler Holm and G-Man at Timebomb, and Colin and Sk8 for always helping my broke ass out!